In Your Name
by Denealle
Summary: "In your name, I find meaning. So I'm holding on. Barely holding on to you." - Broken from Lifehouse Warning: Bucky/Steve Slash! Rated M just in case...Might be just T
1. Chapter 1

_**It's been a long, long time since the last time I wrote... So my writing skills can be rustic. I am sorry for that.**_

 _ **This story won't be more than 3 chapters as I planned. So it won't drag on I promise. But there might be other stories after this coming along, in case you like this.**_

 _ **Enjoy! Thank you!**_

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Now if you really think about this, Steve and Bucky seemed not an ideal pair. From the beginning, they were just too different. Actually, their relationship was more like a model of a jock-nerd pair. Bucky was the jock type. He was always strong, charming, and protective. On the other hand, Steve, was the one who was smart, vulnerable even, but always brave. It doesn't matter how they ended up being best friends. They never looked like a pair, "a pair of love" pair. But never judge people by how they look. Steve might be someone who looks easy to be picked up, but he is previous inside. And Bucky sees Steve the way he really is, and that's why they were so bounded.

On the other side, Steve looks up upon Bucky. He wants to be like Bucky. No matter what era they were living in, please just assume that he has what we call a sexual impulse for Bucky. Otherwise there will not be any story to write about. If what we assume is the case luckily, he wanted to be like Bucky, therefore they would probably have a chance against all odds. So when he was chosen for serum, Steve did not just feel proud because he could finally serve for his country like Bucky, but he also felt hope. A hope in which he could finally be equal to Bucky.

After serum, the result was just too good. A little bit too good maybe. For just one moment, Steve pictured the scene where he and Bucky stand side by side, on the battlefield, till the end of the line. However, that was not more than just a picture he had in his sweetest dream. In reality, he was kept, preserved, as a symbol, something people saw as a sign that could give them some hope in the darkest time. And then, Bucky was captured and imprisoned in Hydra's evil lab.

Of course he got Bucky back, against the orders. But what else could he do? Left him tortured? Never! Bucky was his best friend. And they had the promise: till the end of the line. Despite the result of glory, he never thought this would serve as a ticket for the battle. What he did was for a simple cause. To save his best friend, his secret lover, from the hand of death.

At the time Steve brought back the captured soldiers and Bucky, when the people saw him as a real hero, applauding and hailing for the Captain of America, Bucky was the lead to make Steve a real icon. But there was something in his eyes. It was a realization. A realization that told him it was over for him to be the protector. He was the one to be protected and saved now. And if so, he will never fit his Steve again.

Since childhood, he was used to being Steve's protector. Although he was always the stronger one, and Steve always so stupid to put up a fight that he would lose, he always knew that Steve was the bravest of all. He saw that in Steve, along with his brilliance, kindness, and other great personalities. To the contrary of what it looked like that Steve relied on his protection, it was him clinging to Steve. He was scared that without Steve by his side he would become someone brainless and useless. He needed to protect Steve, his best friend, his pillar of spirit, his soulmate. This was the only way that made him equal to Steve's precious heart.

But the war came, he had to be enlisted. Of course he wanted to serve his country when the time came. And Steve would want him to. And he wanted to. To be Steve's hero. For more than once, he imagined that he returned with metals full on his chest, with a better future for him and Steve. But more frequently than that, he could not help but think what could happen to Steve after he was gone. There would be no one to protect him when some ass picked him up. He didn't even dare to bring himself to think about the possibility that he would return dead. So when Hydra got him, his worst nightmare came true, and he was dead already.

Then he was waken. After the blur was gone, he saw Steve. In the split of a second, Bucky thought he was in heaven. But then he noticed in front of him was a different version of Steve, much taller, much more massive muscles. Then he remembered the serum plan. He saw posters in barrack. Couldn't bring himself to believe that was Steve at first. For now, those were too much for him to comprehend, and all too trivial. So he just smiled to the only face in this world he wanted to see.

When they finally made it to the camp, he saw people admiring, idolizing Steve. He was happy, for real. But at the same time, the realization even worse than death dawned on him. His time when he could match Steve was over. From now on, he would only be far and far away from Steve.

But he played it cool, always acting like he knew more, like the old times. But he knew for sure there would be no more old times. Whatever, there was one thing that he was certain, there was no way that he would leave Steve's side. He would fight with Steve, for Steve. Till the end of the line.

And he fell, there was nothing to catch him but snow, ice and rocks. He was doomed. He was scared, of course. Scared of death, maybe. But actually, Bucky was terrified leaving Steve alone in this terrible world. But before he hit the eternity of cold, he was sadly relieved. Because, he forgot that Steve was the stronger one now. He would be okay without him. He might feel lucky for he didn't have time to think this far, but neither did he have time to feel lucky. What he didn't have time to think about either was that how Steve would remember him, for how long. This is why we say that the dead is more fortunate, and the survivals are left to burden and be agonized.

Steve was left, alone. For a long time his feelings for Bucky's death weren't coherent. He couldn't deal with the fact that he lost Bucky forever. He couldn't save Bucky. He let him fall. He felt useless. And this was different from feeling useless when he saw Bucky bruised to protect him. And this was not the uselessness he felt when he knew something had changed between them since he brought Bucky back but he didn't know how to ask. There was nothing he could do, never. He couldn't even get drunk.

However, his grief didn't have to last long. It was the final fight. The ship went out of control. And he was about to die. He felt relieved. Because this was the end of the line. They were winning. And he could go now, to see Bucky waiting for him on the other side.

But Steve is awake finally. Awake in a world he does not belong to. Awake in a world where Bucky is not. He doesn't want to be in this world. But again, what can he do? He doesn't get drunk, and he doesn't die. No matter what, life goes on. He meets new people. They face great wars together. Worse than the war he and Bucky faced. These people Steve fights together are his friends now, friends that he can rely his life upon, but not friends like Bucky. No one is like Bucky. But around these people, Steve is able to laugh again. There is no way that he will forget Bucky, or what Bucky means to him. Never. But he thinks maybe, just maybe he can move on to live. He can enjoy life once again, with Bucky living in his heart.

Still, from time to time, Steve goes to that museum where the glorious history of Captain America is kept, exhibited, and admired. He is there, when there is no enemies to fight, disguised in casual clothing and a stupid cap on his head. He stands in front of the black-and-white film that is playing in cycle for strange tourists every day. He looks at the goofy smiles on their faces, so young, so fresh, so…unbearable now. But he still stands there, remembering, hoping that Bucky will appears behind him, patting on his shoulders, saying "doing something stupid, aren't you". But no, it's just him.

But Steve does not have many chances for his tours. There is always evil in this world. And he has to fight to protect his country. After Bucky, this is the only thing left for him to do. He protects his people, for his country, for Bucky. And every war is tough. So is this one. This second fight with this masked soldier is consuming, but not life-taking. Not until he gets the soldier's mask off and sees his face. It's Bucky.

Bucky doesn't know who he is. He is called the Winter Soldier, but he knows this is not his real name. He doesn't care what his real name is. He is not made to care, or to question. He's made to obey, to fight, to destroy. He is a weapon. Therefore he doesn't see people. What he sees are objects, targets, or threats. And he usually doesn't have threats. But this time he does. This man is hard to defeat. They are equivalent in every aspect, speed, strength, and strategy. And this man is nothing but flesh. He has a metal arm, on the other hand. He feels humiliated. But his mission is complete. He should leave. There is no need to drag on. So he does, knowing that there will be unfinished business between them. Of course, his next mission is to kill that man, Captain America.

Bucky knows this mission will be hard. Not because they are both super-powered, but the more he fight, there is a strange feeling growing inside of him, a feeling of familiarity. He does not have feelings for his target. He feels irritated now, especially when the man pulls his mask off.

"Bucky," he hears that man calling when he turned to face him. Out of a blue he asks the first question that he can remember, "Who the hell is Bucky?" Then for a moment, there are images flashing in his head. Blurred images of him and this man in front of him, laughing, playing, and fighting. He is out of focus, and it never happens before. He has to kill him. He raises his gun, and he missed. For the first time, the Winter Soldier fails.

Bucky is taken back to the lab, where he was made in the first place. On the way back his brain is in turmoil. More and more images come up. His long-forgotten memories is like a ragged book, dyed in blood, bathed in dirt, left in the void. And now, pages after pages are wiped. Fragments by fragments, he gets them back. Still, he doesn't know who he is or who that Captain America is. But one verdict shows in that book of his memories and he sees it. He knew him. Not just knew him. That man is different and important for him. And he cannot kill him. He doesn't allow himself to.

They might have brainwashed him so many times that his memory is too shattered to be fixed. But they cannot change who he is. He is Bucky. He knows now, and he also knows that he will not fight back what is his. "I knew him." He insists, with that smile on his face. The smile that's saying, "I don't give a damn about you any more now. I knew him. And I'm gonna give up fighting this memory back." The smile that is defeated and also defeats his boss.

Then he hears "prep him." There is no way that he can win this. Absolute despair in his eyes, he collapses more when "wipe him and start over" comes. He knows that he will lose what he just got back, maybe forever. And when he is wiped, he will be demanded to kill that man, the only person who knows him and he knows. There is nothing to change this. So when he lies down for another wipe, he made a wish. Bucky wishes that next time he meet Captain America, he will be able to kill him before he does so. Because he cannot do it. Because…I love you, Steve. Bucky thinks before he is washed by agony and blank.

Bucky is waiting with an order. Kill Captain America. He knows that his target will come. And then Bucky is facing him. He calls him Buck. Images begin to flash. But he has an order. And he is determined to finish it.

Second by second, things get strange. Images coincide with reality. Fighting him seems more and more wrong. With his head aching to death, Bucky has a feeling that this must have happened before. He has to finish this quick. So he fights without mercy. But when Bucky stab him, he feels stabbed too. One millisecond's hesitation, costs him strangled in Captain America's arms.

Not too long after, Bucky is conscious again. He sees Captain America up there with the chip. Finally, he thinks, it's about time to finish this. He pulls out his gun, aims, and fires. Captain America is still moving, so he keeps firing. Finally, he stops, falls, and looks at him. Bucky smirks, but refuses to look him in his eyes. Next thing he knows, everything is quaking, and he is stuck by a fallen steel pillar.

It is too heavy to lift. The ship has been attacked, and is about to crash. Bucky is still struggling. He has finished his mission, and he needs to get out, not to go back and report his mission, but to find out something. He has to find out who he was before, and what it is with Captain America, even though Captain America is killed by him. But he is wrong. Captain America is by his side, saving his life. Relief and frustration washes Bucky like waves. Why is he not dead? What is he supposed to do? Kill him? Again? No! Bucky looks at his target with franticness. Yes, this is the order. He tells himself. No, I can't. Another voice says in Bucky.

"You know me." Bucky hears him saying. It makes up his mind. Kill him. Now. But he is still talking, telling him who he was. Bucky hits him and prepares for a fight again. But his target throws his shield, giving up. "You are my friend." His target says. No, he is not. He is just a mission. Stop! "Shut up!" Bucky shouts, with his metal blowing in his target's face.

"I'm with you till the end of the line." His target says at his last gasps underneath him. This is it. Bucky can't take this. He cannot do this. This is not target. It's...Steve. Bucky knows it now. Looking at his best friend that is bitten to death by himself, Bucky is horrified. But he doesn't have time for this. The ship is falling apart. Bucky sees Steve falling. And another scene flashes in front of his eyes. It is him that is falling, and he sees Steve crying out his name. Bucky remembers, before he lost sight of Steve when he fell off the cliff, he saw desperation in Steve's eyes that is also in his own eyes now. He can't just let him fall.

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 ** _So, Chapter 1 ends here! How was it?_**

 ** _I really hope you liked it! I will be really happy and encouraged if you can kindly give me some reviews. Pleeeeeeeaaaaassssssse~~~_**

 ** _Again, thank you for reading this!_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Okay, guys! Here you are, the second chapter! Really hope you like it! There is more to come. And I don't know if I can keep my promise about just writing 3 chaps. Who knows?**_

 _ **Enjoy! Thank you!**_

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Steve wakes up. He is in the hospital. Sam is by his side, a song playing on the other. That's all he knows, and that's all he can comprehend. When he finally comes around, the war is over, and there is only one thing left for him to do. Find Bucky. He is certain that it was Bucky. Bucky saved him. It means that he remembers. Maybe not everything, but he remembers something about them. So he has to find him.

Bucky does not return to the lab. Whether his boss wins or loses, it's not his business any more. He does not stay with Steve either. Steve will be taken care of by his people now. And he was just about to kill him. He cannot stay. He doesn't deserve after what he has done. And without doubt he will be kept in another lab again. So he has to do this on his own. Then maybe after he finds his past, maybe he will come back. Back to Steve, forever.

Sam goes back to where Bucky's home used to be in case he visits, and Steve waits at the museum, thinking that the museum might serve as a shortcut for Bucky to find out his history. Before this, they went to the lab where Bucky was kept. Looking through all the files, Steve was torn apart knowing what Bucky had been through. He swore he would find Bucky. However, his promise has to take a halt because after three days waiting at the museum Natasha calls him back. There is another enemy to defeat, another war to win.

For a week or so Bucky is just wandering. He doesn't remember a lot about how he went through the week except for endless nightmares, non-stopping headaches, and pieces of broken memories. Eventually he hears about this museum that displays the era of Captain America. In the museum, surrounded by normal people, disguised in a dirty hoodie, Bucky sees himself, a self that is still a whole, beside Steve. He sees his face printed on a big glass with his life summarized in several sentences written and broadcasted. He stands in front of the black-and-white film, watching him and Steve laugh like fools for three hours. After the phase of initial shock, disbelief, and revelation, before the security found his abnormality and call the police, he flees out of the museum. There are memories that he still cannot recover. But he remembers almost everything about him and Steve. Looking down at his metal hand, Bucky realizes what a monster he has become, and he cannot go back to Steve. Never.

Apparently their enemy knows that they are at their weakest point. Hundreds of war robots are hard enough to handle, let along robots that think like human and want to rule the country. This time, Steve really wonders if they will walk it out alive. They have no backup, no enough supply to maintain, and no strength strong enough to defend. What's worse, there are stupid TV news press to protect in the battle field. Who watches TV at this time? Steve wonders as he shelters the camera guy under his shield.

Bucky sees Steve on TV. He is trying to drink himself to death at a bar in a godforsaken town when he glances at the TV and sees Steve fighting and getting shot by a bomb on the screen. He doesn't know what happened. He doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything but Steve. And what happens next is that Bucky robbed someone of his SUV, and is on his way to DC, to Steve.

Steve is exhausted, but he has to stand by. Although they have fought back the robots army for now, they can come back at any time. This time maybe more are coming. But there is also good news, backup is coming too. Soldiers with advanced equipment are coming. Maybe they can help and make this war a little bit easier. But Steve is wrong. By the time their so called backup comes, the robots are ready for a second attack. And the promised advanced equipment turns out to be vulnerable. This is a mess. They not only have to fight against artificial intelligent robots, but also have to protect soldiers from jumping straight into death's arms.

There is another soldier to save. Steve sees him surrounded by three robots. Steve has to save him. But he is not strong or fast enough for himself. This might be suicidal, but Steve doesn't hesitate. He sheltered the soldier beneath himself. One robot is already beheaded by his shield, another about to meet its end. But there is a third one. It finds Steve's blind area, and is prepared to attack. Steve sees it, but it is too late. He closes his eyes.

The blow doesn't come as Steve expected. But there is indeed a collision of metal to metal. He turns around and is shocked at seeing what is in front of him. It is Bucky. He uses his metal arm taking what was supposed to be stricken on Steve's back. In a blink of an eye, the robot is dismembered by Bucky. Bucky remains his stance. All Steve can see is Bucky's swaying back, half of his dirty hoodie soaking wet. It is the color of scarlet. It is blood. Before Steve thinks he is going to have a panic attack, Bucky falls into his arms.

There are more robots coming to them. But Steve doesn't care. He holds Bucky tight in his arms, eyes dimmed with tears. And suddenly, the war is ended.

The war is ended, indeed. It might be so predictable to say that it has something to do with the alien blue magic cube. But actually it has everything to do with that. Finding this out directly ended the war at the last second. It is cliché, of course. But they win, then there is nothing to complain about. And there is something even better. The government is too busy pulling itself back in one piece to care about the heroes that helped them win the war. Sure, some medals are bestowed, some ceremonies are held. But medals will soon end up in the corners of drawers, ceremonies forgotten in people's mind. Heroes should have got more. However, thinking on the other side, Steve is grateful for being forgotten. Because at least he can keep Bucky safe by himself, with the help of Stark's really advanced instruments.

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 _ **Thanks again for reading!**_


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